A realisation

When did I start caring
so much
about what others think
and so little
about my own feelings?
when did I start putting
their needs above my own?
when did I stop believing in myself?
how did I allow myself
to become a shadow of the fighter
that I used to be?
when did your opinion
become more important than mine?

was it when I started hiding
who I am
so you’d like me?
was it when I stopped thinking for myself?
or was it when I stopped
fighting for my independence?

even now,
when I’m so aware
of what needs to change
I don’t believe in my strength
to carry it through

I long to recapture
my devil-may-care attitude
my sense of self
but I’m still not sure
what I actully have to give up
to set myself free
and can I bear the cost
if I do?

reflected in your eyes

reflected in your eyes
I appear stronger
smarter
braver
and infinitely sexier
than I usually feel

reflected in your eyes
I feel taller
gorgeous
shapely
and desired
for that I thank you

reflected in your eyes
is someone that might
or might not
actually be me
and I love the illusion

beneath the facade

searching beneath the facade
I’m no longer sure
who I am
who I want to be
or even who I was

I’ve changed ‘me’
so many times
contorted into the person
someone else has wanted
now I cannot remember
who I actually am

I do know
that beneath this facade
are unshed tears
and smiles not shared
there is a heart so soft
that a harsh glance
is enough to wound

I also know
that beneath this facade
is someone who loves to read
trashy novels
real literature
and dictionaries
devouring words like chocolate

beneath this facade
of authority
and confidence
this projection of competency
there is a plethora of questions
fears and ghosts
and a nervous little voice
saying ‘woops’

Our Dance

the dance of our friendship
was once a graceful, whirling waltz
no-one got lightheaded
hands were kept above the waist
and we went from one thing to another
smoothly
with only the occasional dip
we ebbed and flowed
but moved together

after so many years apart
we’ve found we can still dance
to the tune of our friendship
but what was once stately
is now something else entirely

our dance of friendship
has become a square dance
one moment holding close
the next reeling away to anothers arms
full of laughter and life
skirting the edges
brushing past each other

as we doe-see-doe through this dance
we may occasionally mis-step
or dance around a subject
but the fact that even with two left feet
we keep dancing
that is what matters

maybe one day
since you like a little danger
we could learn to tango

Exquisite Torture

I know you see the gleam
Of wickedness in my eyes
You’ve always understood
And that I offer
Lusciousness
Lasciviousness
That there is something
That lets you know
Whatever ride you are about to go on
It’s going to leave you breathless

You cannot possibly know
Or begin to understand
The restraint to not push you
Further than you’ve ever been
To have you willingly, completely
Lose yourself in sensation
In flesh on flesh

There is a part of me
That desperately wants to restrain you
And cover your eyes
So you cannot anticipate
Where I will touch next
Or what I will do
With my mouth on your skin
Or my caressing hands
There is a part of me
That desperately wants to hear
Your voice fade
And for you to come
Completely
Utterly
Undone

I want to tease you
To taste you
To take you
To a point of heightened awareness
And keep you there
Until time stops
No release
No retreat
No thought of surrender
Just delicious sensation

In doing that to you though
What I would do to myself
Would be no less
Than exquisite torture

04 Sep 2010

its a cool spring morning
and as a gentle rain falls
i want to dance naked
to let the raindrops
cool the fire in my blood

i want to breathe in
this freshening breeze
to cleanse my lungs
with the eucalyptus scented air
to hold on to the calming effect
of being surrounded by the trees

i want to lay on the rain soaked ground
amongst the grass and mud
to embrace nature
to feel part of something bigger
to let the rain pound me to the earth

i want to chill my skin
until even the gooseflesh is gone
to see my fingertips darken
and then i want your embrace
under a shower of water and love
to warm my body and reinforce our bond

i want to wrap my coldness
in the warmth of you
to feel the way i thaw in your embrace
i want to melt beneath your fingertips
i want to burn at your breath on my lips
to have your hand tangled in my hair
to have the heat of you melt the ice of me

Ponder

being the person I am
who queries everything
incessantly
and then quietly takes it apart
only to analyse it again
I wonder
does it please you
that you have inspired creativity
or is the endless outpouring
an embarassment?
do you read these words
with a sense of entanglement
vague amusement
or disdain?
does it help to know
through my words
that you are loved
and definitely desired?
do you find some of my words
strike a chord?
does anything I say
make you wish for more?
or do I push you away
with this indulgence?

I’ve torn apart
every word I’ve ever written
when it comes to you
the words may be unnecessary
the emotion though
is as essential as breathing
I cannot regret one line
in ode to you

you inspire passion
you spark creativity
you demand attention
you haunt my dreams
you soothe my nightmares
you are a waking thought
you are a sigh in my day
you are many things
that I willingly ponder

Poet in you

Every now and again
You make a comment
And the poetry of your soul
Blinds me
You seem world hardened
Travel weary
Then in one sentence
I see such sensitivity in you
That I wonder what else
Is hidden beneath your facade

I desperately want to see
The world with you
But instead I settle
For seeing it through your eyes

At times your vision astonishes me
You can see beauty
Where I see heartbreak
You see history
Where I see devastation
And in a sentence or two
You expand my world

I’ve always said you were an artist
Your medium was pencil
Your theme dark
Now you are a storyteller
with a camera
And a poets soul

Vulnerable

Each time I send you
A piece of me
I feel vulnerable
And a little uncertain
I’m letting you into my heart
Letting you under my skin
Offering the opportunity
For you to know me
And there are times
when the experience leaves me raw
And I’m pretty sure
That you are clueless to the havoc
Our conversations wreak
It’s not that you aren’t careful
You are very guarded with what you say
But the very thought
Of sharing this perspective of me
Terrifies and thrills
With equal measure
Does it really mean something to you?
Does it make you feel?
Or by sharing so willingly
Am I just a source
No attachment necessary?
I want to be so blasé
So worldly about it
But each time I hit SEND
My breath catches
And I silently hope
For your approval
I retreat from you
And wait for a sign
That maybe
I’ve provoked something more
I know it’s naive
But I’m so unfamiliar
With feeling
So vulnerable

gone but not forgotten

in a moment when I was lost
you helped me to be found
you dusted me off
put me on higher ground
you challenged my life
pushed me to think on the status quo
you took me to a place
I never thought I’d go
you reminded me to live for me
to find what makes me whole
you poked fun at my fears
while you bandaged up my soul
you offered me such insight
as to what my life could be
if only I was brave enough
if I could live for me
you illuminated my everything
with the brilliance of who you are
your thoughts still guide me
like some errant guiding star
some days I feel your presence
following me about my day
and it encourages me to question
not to think, just say
some days I know your gone
but still I try to pretend
that I wasn’t just a project
and that we were more than friends
I love you even as I hate you
I adore you so as well
some days I miss you more
than I will ever tell